am i on track

sometimes life throws the biggest challenges at you... in pretty much all aspects... it can be a simple thing like what to have for breakfast.. what to wear.. or it can be one of the tougher ones... like do i want this to be what i do for the rest of my life.. do i want this to be what i do for the next month... do i even like what im doing? .. or it can be am i with the person i want to be with... do i want to be with anyone? am i better at being alone... so many decisions... all of which can be very difficult...or pretty much mean nothing. but every decision... has alot of repercutions... should i go to this bar.. what will happen if i go there... who will i see... what will i say to them.. will i want to do something i shouldnt? if i do want to do something i shouldnt.. why do i want to? what happens if i do... is it worth it? is anything ever worth it? is that even a real question... because what makes something worth it... is it because things need to be a certain way... do we ever even really know that.. do we ever even really know what we want or is it all just a big guessing game? because sometimes thats how it feels.. today i want to be in a relationship.. im madly in love.. yesterday.. i wanted to be single...wanted a certain someone to notice me..and he did... then what? what does it mean.. what does any of it mean... is it possible that there is really only supposed to be one person in our lives.. or are we ment to just go through life meeting as many ppl as possible... taking as much as we can from each person..and going from there... are there only certain people who are actually capable of being in a relationship.. i always questioned why ppl could go astray when theyhad that one person who was madly in love with them...but now i get it.. is it cus the love isnt strong enough..is the love even real? or is it that i just want more then i should.. will i ever know? one second i would love to be married..then next i dont even know if i want a boyfriend 5 mins from now... things can be so complicated...yet so simple at the same time.. but one choice.... one move whether its wrong or not... can change everything... the question is... should it? is it ment to be? should we just go with our guts and say fuck everything else im living in this moment? or should be shake it off pretend the feeling isnt there... maybe one day ill know.

complete torture

okay so, im kinda in two moods right now, one being
that im so madly in love
two being that im so sick its redikalis.
its hard to decide which to concetrate on so i decided it would probably help to talk about both.

sickness;
Okay i have been feeeling rotten since thursday.. and as i have said.. im
a total hypochondriac..however..this time i was so not wrong
in thinking it was not just the simple flu..
i was starting to feel better sunday.. did some cooking a little cleaning
not too much mind you cus i didnt wanna use all my new found energy
so i wake up the nextt morning and its back to the constant pain and shakes i had saturday
so i decide id go to the walk in clinic.. mom told me to write up a list
my problems.
dizzyness
shakeyness
knees buckling
sore belly
sore throat
sore neck and shoulders
headaches
migrains
pain after i eat in my stomach
dizzy spells i have been having frequently
sore ear
sneezing and coughing
nasuea when up and moving around


so i told the doctor about all these symptoms.. and to my suprise
she actually listend and tried to adress each one
i got kinda upset and started crying telling her
i was kinda scared because i live alone and dont know wat to do when i get sick
she checked me out said i had a throat infection adn prescribed me amoxillin. so that was cool
she said the stomach pain is possibley gastric reflux and the dizzy spells and shakyness are
possibley due to hypoglycemia..which makes sense my dad has it..
so she gave me a sheet for bloodwork, toldme to take tums for my belly... advil liqigels for
my migrains , and to drink gatorade..and try eatting frequent small meals instead of 3 big ones a day .. so i was very happy about her actually givin me a thourough checkup i went ovr to school just to clear up that i was sick..wat was going on kinda had a mental breakdown telling
them i was sorry i was missing so much timee..and they confirmed it was ok..to get better
and just do my best and making up time when i can! so .. i thouhgt okay today went well ill get my blood work tomorrow..and see what happens.. felt okay later that night and wake up at 5am today with a nasty taste in my mout.. like i knew for sure i was gonna puke...tryed to ignore it and sleeep.. but it didnt go away..i got up and threw up..and then had to get a bucket and threw up about 6 times in the span of an hour.. it was now almsot 8oclock..so i called school saying once again i could not make it in and i went back to sleeep.. woke up around 1.. still feeling like i may puke... just trying to make it go away with fluids and crackers... soo.. apparently i have the flu on top of everything elsse..which is wonderful.. i just ffeel like i cant get a break everytime i feel im getting better its something fucking else bothering me...

love;

as i said beforeeeee, im so in love im findin it hard to even concetrate on being sick
which i suppose is good.. but the sickness takes away the happiness wen my face is in the toilet..
so i was having some issues..with myselff... kinda i gueess girl stuff
the usual worry and doubts that.. everything seemed so perfect
so amazing
it was all to good to be true
so i told sean i had a lot on my mind and that i thought of seriously going to a therapist..
he just said.. you dont need to bottle things up im here for you
no matter what if somethings bothering you.. lay it on me
thats what im here for.. so i did
i told him everything that i had on my mind.. my doubts
my worrys... my fears, things i liked and didnt like about our relationship.. all things that i have been so afraid to say because once again... women ..for some fucking reason cant be straight with our feelings.. which makes it harder to be happy.. but now i know.. i can say how i feel aobut everything i have a boyfriend who wants to listen and does a damn good job of making me feel good about what ever it is.. i never thought i would be in this... i was so sure
love didnt exsist for me...maybe even started to wonder if i even deserved it
but now its so real, and so perfect..its been almost a year and i know for sure im never gona be with anyone else.. its quiet amazing... so ..with all the pain im in.. it feels pretty good knowing i have someone there for me...its a new feeling..
i like it:)

how much is the doggy in the window...

i want this puppy sooooo bad! ugh... rottweiler pups.. so cute:)

tear jerker

so i got this in a facebook msg and i thought it was a nice story..


This is beautiful! Try not to cry.
She jumped up as soon as she saw the surgeon come out of the operating room. She said: 'How is my little boy? Is he going to be all right? When can I see him?' The surgeon said, 'I'm sorry. We did all we could, but your boy didn't make it.' Sally said, 'Why do little children get cancer? Doesn't God care any more? Where were you, God, when my son needed you?' The surgeon asked, 'Would you like some time alone with your son? One of the nurses will be out in a few minutes, before he's transported to the university.' Sally asked the nurse to stay with her while she said good bye to son. She ran her fingers lovingly through his thick red curly hair.. 'Would you like a lock of his hair?' the nurse asked. Sally nodded yes. The nurse cut a lock of the boy's hair, put it in a plastic bag and handed it to Sally. The mother said, 'It was Jimmy's idea to donate his body to the University for Study. He said it might help somebody else. 'I said no at first, but Jimmy said, 'Mom, I won't be using it after I die. Maybe it will help some other little boy spend one more day with his Mom.' She went on, 'My Jimmy had a heart of gold. Always thinking of someone else. Always wanting to help others if he could.' Sally walked out of Children's Mercy Hospital for the last time, after spending most of the last six months there. She put the bag with Jimmy's belongings on the seat beside her in the car. The drive home was difficult. It was even harder to enter the empty house. She carried Jimmy's belongings, and the plastic bag with the lock of his hair to her son's room. She started placing the model cars and other personal things back in his room exactly where he had always kept them. She lay down across his bed and, hugging his pillow, cried herself to sleep. It was around midnight when Sally awoke. Lying beside her on the bed was a folded letter. The letter said:

'Dear Mom,
I know you're going to miss me; but don't think that I will ever forget you, or stop loving you, just 'cause I'm not around to say 'I Love You'. I will always love you, Mom, even more with each day. Someday we will see each other again. Until then, if you want to adopt a little boy so you won't be so lonely, that's okay with me. He can have my room and old stuff to play with. But, if you decide to get a girl instead, she probably wouldn't like the same things us boys do. You'll have to buy her dolls and stuff girls like, you know. Don't be sad thinking about me. This really is a neat place. Grandma and Grandpa met me as soon as I got here and showed me around some, but it will take a long time to see everything. The angels are so cool. I love to watch them fly. And, you know what? Jesus doesn't look like any of his pictures. Yet, when I saw Him, I knew it was Him. Jesus himself took me to see GOD! And guess what, Mom? I got to sit on God's knee and talk to Him, like I was somebody important. That's when I told Him that I wanted to write you a letter, to tell you good bye and everything. But I already knew that wasn't allowed. Well, you know what Mom? God handed me some paper and His own personal pen to write you this letter I think Gabriel is the name of the angel who is going to drop this letter off to you. God said fo r me to give you the answer to one of the questions you asked Him 'where was He when I needed him?' 'God said He was in the same place with me, as when His son Jesus was on the cross. He was right there, as He always is with all His children. Oh, by the way, Mom, no one else can see what I've written except you. To everyone else this is just a blank piece of paper. Isn't that cool? I have to give God His pen back now He needs it to write some more names in the Book of Life. Tonight I get to sit at the table with Jesus for supper. I'm sure the food will be great. Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. I don't hurt anymore the cancer is all gone.. I'm glad because I couldn't stand that pain anymore and God couldn't stand to see me hurt so much, either. That's when He sent The Angel of Mercy to come get me. The Angel said I was a Special Delivery! How about that?
Signed with Love from God, Jesus & Me.
(Let's see Satan stop this one.) Take 60 seconds and repost this, within the hour, you will have caused a multitude of believers to pray to God for each other. Then sit back and feel the Holy Spirit work in your life for doing what you know God loves 'When you're down to nothing, God is up to something.'


brought tears to my eyes.. enjoy!

things to do?

so i got this idea from BoyWonder! heh! :) things i wanna doo before i kick the bucket. like a bucket list... i found an old list i made in grade 12.. and it made me gigglle..and how im so differnt now.. welll heres the old list

1.[ ] work at an orphanage in africa
2. [ ] go back to el salvador
3. [ ] go to cuba
4. [ ] go to all the places that are on set of the OC.
5. [ ] swim with dolphins.
6. [ ] go bungie jumping
7. [ ] go to italy&paris
8. [ ] go to the virgin islands.lmao
9. [ ] meet paris&nicole
10. [ ] go to newyork
11. [ ] stay at a hilton hotel
12. [ ] learn to speak spanish fluently.
13. [ ] dance in a show at a resort.
14. [X ] get hairextensions
15. [ ] have a reunion with the ES 2007 crew.
16. [ ] rene.
17. [ ] one tequilla, two tequillla, three tequilla , floor.
18 . [ ] go to everyone of the countries in central america.
19. [ ] go to a huge fashion show with well known designers like gucci, prada, LV, dolce& gabanna etc.
20. [ ] grow and be in a fashion show.aha
21. [ ] go clubbin in cancun& everyplace i travel to.
22. [ ] skydiving
23. [ ] get super tanned
24. [ ] see the pussycat dolls perform
25. [ ] meet tegan&sara
26. [ ] get a tattoo.

i accomplished no more of those since then..and really dont care about many anymoree.. lol so heres my new list

1. go sky diving
2. rocky moutain climbin ( i know first two remind me of a song.. aha)
3. travel the world, major places i wanna go to are italy, paris, all of central america, nyc and Cali.
4. get many, many many tattoos.
5. go to a show on broadway
6. get married on a beach
7. stay in love:) shouldnt be hard since my bf is a dolll!
8. be happy
9. go on a vacation once a year with my cousin
10. take a bartending course
11. take a makeup course
12. get better at photograpy
13. get a puppy.. lol
14. take business courses
15. open my own salon
16. swim across round lake with my cousins.. lol
17. do the polar bear swim
18. go bungee jumping
19. go backpacking
20. work on a crusie ship
21. learn to play guitar..
22. still would love to meet tegan and sara
23. go to see u2
24. go to bonnaroo this year
25. actually go to evolve when i say i will.. lol
26. read as many books as possible
27. get a large collection of movies
28. learn how to burn movies... llol

etc.. ill add more eventually.

hypochondria?

so i have come to realize that i am certainly.. 100 percent a hypochondriac... and im really not all so cool with that... WHY cant i just think that a headache is a headache..and not like.... a brain tumor.. why cant i think im im shakey..its nerves or something... and go to think its a tremor.or again..something effing wrong in my head... i guess ive always been like this... if something hurts.. i search it on the interweb..adn its so annoying.. it gets me all worked up thinkin a simple belly ache is fuckin... stomach cancer or something crazy.. "Hypochondria is often characterized by fears that minor bodily symptoms may indicate a serious illness, constant self-examination and self-diagnosis, and a preoccupation with one's body." that describes me to a t.. and scares the crap outta mee... makes me feeel like a crazyperson .lloll lately im trying to get over it.. if i feel dizzy.. i tell myself.. im not gonna faint.. where this all got worse was back in sept when i actually did faint at school.. man that scared the pisss outt of mee...standing there learning how to do roller sets..i get a sharp pain in my belly.. and then reaaly sharp pain in the right side of my head..like blinding pain then little white lights are everywhere and boom..next thing i rememeber is the pain of hitting my face off the table and people sayingg..omg megan.. embarressin much. ugh.. ever since then i get weird feelings in my head...or fuckin.. dizzzy...weak adn feeel like i overal am likee...swaying and about to fall over if i dont grab onto something... it incredibly un cool..and i try and think its nothing..and of coursee..when i get these feeelings i automatically panic... and it makes it all the more worsee... idunno.. i think havee some thyroid problems.. or fuckin diabetes... wish i had a doctor that spoke english and would just...do all the tests i want so i could clear my conscious.. (yeah i had to google that cus i cant spell. im a douchus maximus) ANYWAYS.. im pretty much enjoying ranting jus getting all this out because i talk to my mom about it.. or whoever adn they kinda take it lightly or change the subject like oh you just make to big a deeal out of things..well.. okayy.. i do. but i wouldnt if i had reasurance there was nothing wrong... the dr never called to give the results of my CT scan.. now.. most would say that probably means nothing was wrong...you dont know my dr...hes a fuckkin stupid paki who probably got it and through it somewhere and forgot... it really would not suprisee me... ohhh life.. soo on another notee... im sick as balls today.. such a sore belly.. and was stupid enough to decidee... hay ill eat an omellete with cheeeseee... and mushrooms nad egggss..... man.. BAD idea for a soree belly.. it is now 334642 times worse..its greaaat! damned flu.. and flu season... and i dont fuckin believe in flu shots.. a) cus i hate neeedles with a passion . b) becausee why would i allow you to give me thee flu... its stupid..
So all in all.. im REALLY enjoyin life right noww.....not so much.. someone cheeer me up..kthx!

im in love with blogs

for real, this is gonna be bad i can seee it already, new obsession... oh lord..world of blog creeepers...prepare yourselves for one heck of a bumpy ridee.... ps.. whats your opinion on world of war craft... im kinda tryin it.. lets hope i dont commit suicide on video.. adios.